“An adolescent and their parents are simply experiencing two kinds of helplessness: Helplessness born of experience and the helplessness born of lack of experience” ~ Phillips
In our home, adolescence came out of nowhere. It seemed one day my son was a child, and – poof! – the next day he woke up a teen.
No turning back.
photo courtesy of priscilla du preez
Our first real emotional roller coaster with our adolescent son took my breath away. Afterward, I had the urge to go up to every mom of a teenager and give a big hug or a Starbucks card for her heroic feat of enduring this stage of motherhood. I felt like I had been initiated into a club I didn’t remember choosing to join.
Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about. You might have one of those rare teens who has remained relatively steady and experiences few of the highs and lows so typical to this age.
Most of us, however, are enduring life with a teen who wrestles with angst as they exit childhood and awkwardly aim towards adulthood. Camaraderie, sister. You and I already lived through our own teen years. Now we get to survive someone else’s.
photo courtesy of brooke cagle
I used to say you couldn’t pay me $1,000,000 to return to 13 years old. Guess what? No one paid me and I went back anyway. This time my voyage into adolescence is on someone else’s ticket. Daily I watch my heart walk around outside my body – as he goes about making choices that impact the rest of his life.
I’ll get the caveat out of the way from the start. I adore my teen son. This post isn’t about bashing him. I’ve got his full “okay” to share what it’s been like walking with him through challenges.
Confession #1 – Sometimes I fear the future
As a mom of a teen, it’s easy to look down the road on a hard day and wonder what future pitfalls and perils my teen will face. Since my rope is tied to the end of his wagon, I may end up dragged along a bit and that prospect can unsettle me (a lot).
We’ve had friends who raised their children knowing God, with love and support and all the provisions we would think are needed to ensure a good outcome in their child’s heart and life. Sometimes these children have gotten caught up in drugs and premarital sex despite their good upbringing. As moms of teens, the potential dangers and influences in our children’s lives can cause us to lose sleep and to spend our waking hours preoccupied with their lives.
photo courtesy of brendan church
Confession #2 – I thought I could direct his path
My husband and I regularly return to counseling throughout our marriage. It’s a little tune up that helps keep the engine in our relationship running smoothly. One of the first things our counselor told me as we entered the teen years was, “How your son behaves and what he chooses is not your fault.”
I realized I had been keeping a secret from myself. I thought it was up to me. My plan was to help him succeed. I believed I could keep him from falling down holes and slipping into darkness. My hopes, at least in part, were to direct the trajectory of his life – and more importantly, his heart.
Great freedom comes from surrender. Along with it comes the realization of our true helplessness. As a go-getter woman in a culture that preaches “Just Do It,” I’m often at odds with my own weakness. I want more influence than I have. If I’m really honest, I want more than influence. I want control. Nothing says “you have no control,” like rearing an adolescent!
Confession #3 – I want him to look good
While many of my son’s decisions give me joy, I regularly observe the myriad of temptations set before him. I experience, first hand, his emotions as they ebb and flow without warning. I know the inner challenge he faces trying to define himself in the midst of a culture hostile to Jesus and consumed with materialism, image, and self-indulgence.
Someone once said to me, “there ought to be more posts about parenting an adolescent.” Well, maybe people don’t write about this stage because they don’t want to embarrass their teen {news flash: your very presence can cause mortification on the wrong day}.
I have been overcoming this other fear – you may have it too – the fear of being judged for my son’s choices or behavior. The unfinished parts of our teen’s hearts can come out in ugly ways. Parenting an adolescent is a surprisingly vulnerable stage of motherhood. My skin has grown pretty thick over the years. I can be uncharacteristically thin-skinned when it comes to my teen son.
photo courtesy of drew hays
What’s a Mom to Do?
I decided I want you to know. Some of you are parenting teens. Others have been there done that {oh, bravo!}. For some of you, this stage is years away. Wherever you are on this journey of motherhood, I want to share some truths to help you as you navigate this unpredictable, wild ride:
Instead of fearing the future, get a life now
That would be your own life, separate from theirs. Cultivate your friendships, hobbies and calling apart from being their mom. As you do you will be less wound up in their life and more filled to be available as a support to them.
Instead of taking the blame, let yourself off the hook
You didn’t cause their struggle, you can’t cure their emotions and, take it from me, you can’t control their choices. Releasing guilt helps you detach and become more neutral as you parent your adolescent.
Instead of fearing others’ opinions, look to God for your value
Truthfully, most moms will relate to your struggles more often than they will condemn you. God knows what you are facing. He hasn’t left you and He promises to give you what you need to endure this season of motherhood. That includes His unfailing love and validation.
Good News:
I’ve got a treat for you coming in early 2018 … I’m putting together an eBook called “The 7 Cs of Parenting Your Teen Through Their Chaos and Crisis”. It’s full of practical tips for not only surviving this stage of motherhood but thriving through it.
If you want to get the latest parenting posts in your inbox as well as a discount offer when the ebook releases, subscribe to PattyHScott.com. I pinky promise not to spam your inbox with meaningless clutter.
If you want to learn more about my availability to come speak to your group, you can hear a clip of me speaking or feel free to visit my page at Christian Women Speakers.
