“I know, Mom!” … If those words come out of your child’s mouth often (even when they are not intending to be disrespectful), you may be raising a natural born leader. I recently felt inspired to write about parenting and personality.
Within a week of my decision to talk about our children’s personalities, I came across this quote in the most surprising of places, our nightly read-aloud:
… there’s a mystery [that] nobody has ever solved, not even the greatest scientists and philosophers, although, like all scientists and philosophers, they think they have gone a long way toward explaining something they don’t understand by calling it a long name. The long name is “personality,” and what it means nobody knows, but for all that, it is perhaps the very most important thing in the world. Yet, we know only one or two things about it. We know that anybody’s personality is made up of the sum total of all the actions and thoughts and desires of his life. And we know that though there aren’t any words or any figures in any languages to set down that sum total accurately, still it is on of the first things that everybody knows about anybody else. And that is really all we know! ~ Understood Betsy, a delightful novel written in 1916
Certainly personality is a mystery.
When considering the uniqueness of each and every individual who ever lived or will live, we ought to be awestruck at the care and magnificence of God. No two humans are quite alike.
That being said, we can sort ourselves into broad types and when we look at the traits common to a specific personality type as parents, we are better equipped to rear each of our children well.
THE NATURAL BORN LEADER
Last week I started talking about personality by introducing the four primary personality types. Let’s look at our “leader” children today. You could also call this child a “driver” or “powerful.” The formal name is “Choleric” and the nickname coined by Gary Smalley describing this child is “Lion.”
Each personality type has strengths – aspects which are drawn out as we are shaped by God and walk in the Spirit. We also each have our weaknesses – those qualities which come out when we walk in the flesh. Marita Littauer has boiled these down into two simple lists. For the Choleric/Leader:
I just so happen to have a precious, strong, God-loving son who is part Choleric. I want to share from my personal parenting journey about this temperament.
THEY DID IT THEIR WAY
My leader son was born independent. He sets his mind on something and goes for it – with a single-minded devotion and focus that is unparalleled. Other mothers used to suggest fun ideas like trying to distract him when he wanted something he shouldn’t have as an infant or toddler. Um. no. Once his gaze is fixed and the object of his intention is in sight, he will pursue until he conquers. Nothing distracts this boy.
I can’t count the number of times people have said, “Your son is a natural born leader”. He isn’t one to step out and make himself known, but when needed, you will see him rise up, take charge, direct the course of things and calm whatever was unruly. That is how God formed him. His strength reflects the Lion of Judah, our conquering King who rides in and takes charge. The sight of injustice will cause my son to overturn tables in the temple on behalf of the oppressed. That’s my lion son.
Have you ever watched a movie or even better, seen in person, the attempt to bridle and ride a wild horse? Under no circumstances is this animal going to give in easily or allow just anyone to tame him. If you want to ride a wild stallion, you have to earn his respect and go with his nature in order for him to submit.
Parents need to engage the will and earn the respect of a child who was designed for strength. I’m taking a lesson from the seasoned cowboy as to how to tame something wild and wonderful.
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE …
What strengths he has – in leadership, independence, goal orientation, knowing his own mind – have led me to give him challenges, empower him to lead and allow him to pursue responsibilities which should be beyond his years.
His weaknesses have been areas of prayer for me. Once he was old enough to hear about the underbelly of his character without taking these facts as insults, we talked openly so he could be aware of potential pitfalls.
Knowing where he tends to “fall down” helps me have mercy on him. I can’t expect him to be naturally merciful, patient or flexible. I don’t give him a pass in these areas. We work together to draw out what is good. As we do, he is growing in self-control over areas which are potentially hurtful or selfish.
GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO RULE OVER
I remember when I realized I was better off giving him a list of work to complete instead of trying to teach him. By letting him run his own school day I cut our difficult moments in half or more.
Not every child is independent and purposeful in their learning style. The Lion child is just that. My son thrived in his summer debate team. He loves to banter and discuss ideas. The idea of competing to determine pros/cons and decisions on issues gets his blood pumping. Some personalities cringe at the thought of conflict. Not the leader/choleric child. They thrive on a bit of a tete-a-tete.
A STRONG WILL IS NOT A SIN
If you have a Lion child, I suggest you remind yourself that strength is not a sin. God made your child with a power to lead and organize. He naturally fixes his eyes on a goal and can easily gather people together for purpose. You also need to become a black belt in avoiding power struggles as this particular personality will engage in them for sport and unknowingly at that.
Continually efresh yourself by reviewing the list I included above. Find ways to draw out what is good in your leader child. When your leader child is tired, discouraged or frustrated, be prepared to see his inner bully or protestor come out in full force.
Use times of habit training and bible study to help build in character traits which balance out the weaker areas. We have purposely involved my lion son in ministries which require mercy such as working with the homeless. We have conversations to highlight compassion and we encourage him to look for the good in others.
By the time your leader child is ten or so, you can make him aware of the potential pitfalls of his personality. This will help him cooperate in working towards what is good. Most of all, pray. God formed this child of yours. He planned good to come through the strength in your child. God is powerful and persistent enough to shape the strongest of hearts into something beautiful.
I hope you found something here to help you as you shepherd your children. If you want to read more in this series on parenting your child’s personality, follow any of these links:
How to guide your life of the party child …
What does your go with the flow child need?
Setting your logical, orderly child up for success.
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Thanks for this post. Needed to be reminded badly. I have this first born, born leader child of mine and he is wonderful!! And SO hard to parent sometimes bc he rarely wants to be parented. Despite needing a parent. A good reminder that I need to feed his leadership skills more than I have been to fill his cup. So he can feel more gotten in the household. Develop into his natural born skills with confidence and grace… thanks again! And agree to do lists are magic for my kid too. He loves to do it his way, on his own time and knock them out quickly.
Rachel, I’m so glad! I want you to know I’m moving my parenting content to SlowDownMama.com where I’ll be sharing posts like this more often. I also started an instagram account yesterday @Slow_Down_Mama_PattyScott where I’ll share both encouraging and humorous posts to encourage you as a mom. I have a monthly mom newsletter I’ll be sending out as well. Sign-ups for that are on the Slow Down Mama site.
It’s a tough job parenting a strong-willed child. I sure know the challenge! I love Cynthia Tobias’ wisdom on this. The book, You Can’t Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded has been gold for me.