Cease striving (towards perfectionistic expectations) and know that I am God
~ Psalm 46:10
Striving. It feels as though this word could describe so much of how I lived this gift of a life for years. Pushing forward, stretching to the mark, I wore myself out. Perfectionism demands everything while never acknowledging anything as good enough, worthy, or finished. Though I’m miles from my former self, I occasionally find vestiges of striving and unrealistic expectations alive and well within me.
Expecting Perfection from a Child
I shared last week about my childhood and the daunting expectations my father had for my behavior, along with the life-threatening consequences which were in store for me when I failed to meet the mark. The roots of my perfectionism grew from deep wounds. I developed self-protective defenses to keep myself from ever being hurt by anyone like that again.
When we learn to defend ourselves with striving, we cling to it. Relinquishing a shield, defective as it may be, feels far too risky when threats loom at us in every relationship.
Maybe you haven’t been abused physically as I was. Perhaps people in your life held unrealistic expectations and shamed you, or rejected you when you messed up or fell short. Maybe you were raised to compete with others – feeling the only way to get your share of what was good was to be the best at everything. It could be you experienced loss so great that you learned to steel yourself by performing. People failed you, so you leaned on your achievements and ability to gain approval.
God’s Call to Cease Striving
Whatever the origin of your striving, God is calling you to cease.
I often dwell on the verse in Galatians 5:1 – It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Our perfectionism yokes us heavily, causing us to live trapped and driven. Jesus died to free me – to free you – from the weight of this yoke. He wants us out of shackles so we can dance with Him. Imagine a slave, set free, who returns to the life he knew instead of walking into the liberty which had been purchased for him. God doesn’t want that for you. He bought our freedom and He wants us to enjoy it, thrive in it, and never return to bondage.
photo courtesy of marcus spiske
Does God Have Perfectionistic Expectations?
Over the years, I have increasingly turned to God in my perfectionism, longing for release and healing. I discovered the inner shield I used to protect myself from harm kept Him at bay as well. I feared His “impossible expectations.” As Dale & Juanita Ryan express in their study, Distorted Images of God: Restoring Our Vision, God is either a God of Impossible Expectations or a God of Compassion.
We approach God only to discover we see Him as the most demanding being we have ever encountered. Our lenses are skewed and we can only see Him as a grand taskmaster, exacting much and zapping all who fail to comply. I had given a head nod to God’s goodness and love, thinking this was the largest part of my faith in Him. All the while, in the recesses of my heart, I wondered if I could really be good enough for Him to love me.
This fear drove me to work my tail feathers off in ministry. At one church I was on the Mission Board, Worship Team, and Women’s Ministry Leadership Team. I took other people’s children home with me after church on Sunday to give their parents a break (I kid you not). I spent spare hours feeding the homeless, teaching Inductive Bible Study courses, and discipling a number of women – all this while holding down a full-time job! Holy over-commitment, Batman!
God Just Out of Reach
I didn’t know then that I was compensating for the fear that God couldn’t possibly love me for who I am. Under the surface I was driven by the false conviction that my works gave me value. Striving to meet what I thought God expected of me never filled my aching heart.
In their study, the Ryans refer to a book by David Seamands, Healing for Damaged Emotions. In it, he says:
God .. is seen as a figure on top of a tall ladder. [The person] says to himself, “I’m going to climb up to God now. I’m His child and I want to please Him more than anything else.” So he starts climbing, rung by rung, working so hard, until his knuckles are bleeding and his shins are bruised .. He climbs and struggles, but when he gets up there, his God has gone up another three rungs. .. God is that little inner voice that always says, “That’s not quite good enough.”
Can you relate?
Our God Who Stoops to Bless
In stark contrast, think of how God presents Himself in Psalm 103 {my paraphrase}:
The Lord, your God, forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
He redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with His love and compassion,
The Lord satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed –
even those oppressed by their own perfectionism.
He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel
and to you through His wordThe Lord is compassionate and gracious to you,
slow to anger, abounding in love for you.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat you as your sins deserve
or repay you according to your iniquities.
When you don’t meet the mark,
He isn’t standing there waiting to punish you.
Instead, He has forgiven you and taken your sin as His own.For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for you who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed your transgressions from you.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on you who fear him;
for He knows how you are formed,
He remembers that you are dust.
God is Near
God reaches down the ladder towards our ever upward striving and gently pries our bloody fingers off the rungs. Jesus extends His compassion – caring intimately for us right where we are. God reaches down, enters in, takes our place. God never intended for our perfectionism to meet the mark. He is mindful of our frame. He knows we are but dust.
I encourage you to dwell on Psalm 103 this week. Take out your highlighter and go over the parts which speak to your soul. Etch them in your mind. Preach them to your heart. Make your mantra “Cease Striving” … and “Know that I am God.” He fills in the blanks which we can never muster, even on our best of days. He meets every expectation with His unfailing love – the love for sinners like you and me.
If you missed the first post in this series on Distorted Images of God, you can find it here. Next week I’ll be writing on The Emotionally Distant God vs. The God of Intimacy and Grace. The Bible Study by the Ryans is a great resource to help you along. I would love to hear from you or pray for you. Share in the comments or on the PattyHScott.com Facebook Page.
Armours in Tallinn photo by Samuli Lintula
