What Do You Really Believe About God?

We sat together for years, my mentor and I. Facing one another in her family room, we touched the deeper places in my heart together with God. Regularly we came up to an invisible, yet impenetrable, internal wall. It seemed as though nothing would break through when we hit this spot – a place so hard and protective, built strong by experiences long since dead. 

The Obvious Presence of God

My walk with Jesus hasn’t been what one would call a stroll in the park. I experience great times of intimacy where I feel the sweet breeze of the Spirit flowing through me and all is well with my soul in the deepest way imaginable. I have seen the fingerprints of God all over this world – His creation singing out His glory, daring someone to refute the existence of a Loving Creator.

More than this, I witness greater evidence in transformed hearts and lives after prayer, counseling, or a movement of God. Miracles of healing show us we are not in control. We witness something no human could contrive or manufacture. We worship Him in these moments because we know He is real, He is good, and He is near. 

 

Some Solid Pieces in the Foundation

I have often behaved a bit like a stray dog who had been beaten, starved, and nearly hit by many cars.  I found a good loving, gentle master, yet remained skittish for years.

My childhood was filled with goodness in so many ways. I lived with little TV or internet which meant life was filled with creative outlet and relationship. We spent hours outdoors daily making up games and running free in wide open spaces with plenty of green grass and trees as our playground.  

My dad gave me shoulder back rides up the hill on campus to his office where he taught me about computers on the “new” machines which were as big as a washer and had printers twice as large. My mom gave us dress up and craft materials to fill our time. She baked our bread from scratch; cooked amazing and healthy meals made from vegetables in our garden, and we got our milk from the local dairy. Summers were spent driving around this great country camping in many National Parks. 

The Pain of Abuse

Intertwined with the goodness of my childhood were very dark days and a pervasive unpredictability. My father had a violent temper and my mother was emotionally labile. I never knew what was going to hit me {literally} if a rule were broken or an expectation went unfulfilled. Walking on eggshells became the way I moved through life. {Whoever coined that term nailed it} and, as you know, that’s a tricky business – one can never quite get it right}. 

I learned to be as close to perfect as I could and perform my way into approval. I became my achievements. As positive as so many things were in my childhood, the constant threat of danger loomed over all of the blessings. It took me years after leaving home to see any memory worth calling “good” at all. I lived out my childhood as though on a volcanic island where hurricanes hit shore at regular intervals. The literally life-threatening elements kept me from feeling warmth and appreciating the scenery. 

A Hot-Bed for Broken Theology

Coming out of this background I developed an unconscious theology {I didn’t coin that term, I think Betsy Barber at Biola University did}. Outwardly and in my private thoughts, I acknowledged God as good, loving, my Shepherd and provider. Beneath the surface I had hidden ideas about God – ones I didn’t readily even share with myself.

Having grown up with abuse, I feared God. I didn’t fear Him in the Biblical sense – as in “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Healthy fear involves a reverence. 

I felt scared to death of God. 

How Can I Trust You God?

Drawing near to my own father had its beautiful moments. He was affectionate and silly. He affirmed my intelligence and showed me off to others. I simply never knew when the other shoe would drop, and when it did, I was in for a very painful outcome, even when I didn’t do anything to warrant the rage and wrath aimed my direction. Drawing near meant coming close to danger. 

As a Christian, God invited me to draw near. He woos us all and calls us to trust Him. How could I depend on Him when everyone I had grown up trusting had seriously harmed me? This material formed the great wall in my heart. Stone by stone I had built an edifice which promised me security and safety from deep hurt. I would keep others {and Him} at bay by performing well, leaning on my own abilities, and always attempting to be in control.  

 

Healing in Community

Years later, I have removed many stones from that wall. With the faithful presence and care of my mentor and the patient love of God, I learned to lean into Him when I feel fearful. I have given Him entrance bit by bit and He has healed much in the process. Together we have made a passageway through the wall. I have walked far on this path of growing intimacy and can look back with deep gratitude for the growth He has brought about. 

In the Bible Study, “Distorted Images of God” Dale and Juanita Ryan help us walk through our broken images of God and replace them with healthy ones. As I delved into the study, I started thinking of you. Sometimes when we suffer, we forget others who have endured similar or worse hardships. We come to think we might be the only one or the worst case. We are equally sure we ought to keep all our dark history hidden. “If you knew my past, you’d reject me for sure.” This line of thinking alienates us and keeps us from the “one another” love God intended. 

God intends us to be comforted. We turn and share the comfort with others who have been through the same types of difficulties.  We must first be on our own journey of healing – and then we turn and share what we have endured and how the love of God has entered into our darkness to bring more wholeness. 

Hope for You

As I talk with women one to one, I have discovered most of us have deep wounds.  Our hearts have been broken. We’ve endured great trials. The initial impression we exude isn’t often a reflection of the depth of our sufferings. 

You are not alone. 

Like me, you can heal your perception of God. You can see Him more clearly and love Him more dearly. Allow His love into deeper recesses of your heart. I hope you join me on this journey as we examine our misconceptions and exchange them for more intimacy and peace.