The most surprising things I learned parenting my almost teenager

Recently on Facebook a friend commented that no one blogs about raising a teenager.  Well, here goes. I’m not really a parent of a teen – yet.  I have a twelve year old {darling, beloved} son who is testing the waters of pre-adolescence. He is inadvertently taking me and my husband through a bit of a necessary bootcamp. I didn’t realize how deeply we needed to hone our parenting skills for this new stage.

Adapt to the Teenage Season of Parenting

I have always seen this truth about parenting.  Just when I get a method or approach “nailed” my children grow and throw me for a loop. It is how it should be. I am kept on my knees, seeking God.  I am kept on my toes, watching my children for cues and clues as to what they need as I learn how to best care for them. Parenthood is a constant growing and stretching experience.

Here’s what it’s like these days:  My son, some days will be as pleasant as ever, witty, bright, kind and dynamic. It is like going on a scenic Sunday drive — I love the view and I enjoy the ride. Then, other days, he wakes up grouchy or something hits him the wrong way, hormones spark and he is volatile, confused, frustrated and edgy. All of a sudden, without standing in line, I am on a roller coaster with dips and dives. Like that roller coaster ride, all I can do is hold on, scream (inwardly I hope), and remind myself this is temporary and the world will right itself when the ride is over.  Most days are still Sunday driving, but those loop-de-doos can be doozies!

Stay True to Yourself

What I learned a long time ago in parenting is more true than ever. My aim is to be a person of kindness and integrity. I want to exude the fruit of the Spirit regardless of what my children are doing. Let me assure you that is sometimes more of a goal and a vision than a reality, but overall I aim to remember and live out verses like, “Let your gentleness be evident to all, for the Lord is near.”  I want to be a gentle mother. When I remember the actual nearness of the Lord and let His presence both calm and empower me, gentleness is a natural byproduct.

I have seen, though, that I can focus sort-of “beyond” my children and their behavior to my goal in how I want to be and respond and it helps. No matter what curve balls they throw (intentionally or not), I can be the type of person I want to be. That inner stability helps the whole home remain calm — even when they escalate. I am growing in this — taking time alone in my room helps when I feel I am going to pop a jugular. If I walk away and calm down, I am able to regroup and remember what type of mom I want to be and what types of responses I want to give.

Say Yes to Your Teenager As Often As Possible

Beyond that, I am remembering this wisdom I heard once from Chuck Swindoll. He said, when speaking of a good parenting philosophy, “My wife and I try to say ‘yes’ whenever possible.” I like that approach. There are plenty of times we have to say “no.” In the teen years those both increase and decrease. My child (now almost teen) has to figure out some answers on his own and try out independence and choice-making under our helpful and watchful eyes. That means some of the limits we had in earlier years are lifted at this age.

Still, we have to say “no” to a number of other things because his horizons are expanding and he is in yet another phase of what kids do when they grow: testing limits. One of the most uncomfortable aspects of my mothering right now is saying, “no” a lot more than I want to say it. 

How to Say No To a Teenager

A friend and I were talking through what it means to say, “no,” and stand by the no answer.  It is a pretty cut and dry concept on paper. When it comes to living out our boundaries and limits, we can end up wanting to give mercy to our children. We don’t want to see them suffer when they are contrite after making a mistake or having an outburst of disrespect. Sometimes we are just plain sick of the inconvenience of holding the line and having to dole out consequences, especially when the consequence costs us as much as it does our child. So, sometimes we waffle. Inconsistency costs us so much in the way of credibility. With a teenager, we can’t afford to be wishy-washy. 

I am seeing the need to be really sure about my “no” answers before I give them.  I need to choose carefully as my decisions will often be challenged. As parents of teens, we need to pick our battles well. It’s also important to allow our teenager (or pre-teen) to express thoughts and questions in an appropriate and respectful way.

More than ever I am seeing the true application of Jesus’ words. I need to let my “no” be “no”.  It is both loving and predictable when my children see me being consistent. Isn’t that a reflection of God? He is both loving and predictable, but sometimes has to say “no” to us for our own good?

Hope for You as You Parent Your Teenager

Parenting a teenager doesn’t have to be disastrous. This stage of motherhood isn’t all trials and woes. I delight in the person my son is and the person he is becoming. Even when he hits big challenges or chooses poorly, I can remind myself of a key truth. I’m not responsible for his decisions, only for my actions and reactions in his life.

I’m on a steep learning curve. I hope the lessons I am sharing here will spare us all a lot of heartache along the way. 

What wisdom have you gleaned from parenting your teenagers or pre-teens?  I’d love to hear from you too.