A friend messaged me after my YouTube devotional on overcoming people pleasing aired, saying that a woman she knows really benefitted from watching. I decided to film a more in-depth video, sharing the roots of this relational habit, while providing some steps she could take to help overcome people pleasing. Then I thought, “She’s not the only one who needs this.”
You might be saying, “Oh, yes! I definitely can use this!” … or, you may be thinking, “Nah, I don’t think I am a people pleaser.” Let’s take a look at a few common thoughts and approaches to life that people pleasers experience. Check out the following list to see if you relate.
Are You prone to People Pleasing?
- I don’t want to rock the boat.
- I either don’t share my opinion, or I coat it in sugar to make it easy to swallow.
- My behavior and words change to try to influence what others will think of me.
- I often say “yes” instead of “no” when I’m asked to do something, even if I have no time or energy for what I’m agreeing to do.
- Smoothing the waters when people get upset is my specialty.
- I put aside my own dreams or agenda to do what someone else asks me to do.
- I allow people to treat me in ways I would never treat someone else.
- People say I’m easy-going, but they don’t really know what’s going on inside of me.
- I find myself apologizing often, even when I didn’t do anything wrong.
- Other people’s praise or satisfaction makes my day.
- I don’t like it when someone is mad at me or disappointed in me.
If you resonate with any or all of these experiences, you are not alone. For years I lived trying to make everyone happy. I never wanted to let anyone down. It mattered deeply to me that people saw me as good, helpful, and agreeable. I wanted people to accept me. My deepest (unspoken) fear was that someone would dislike or reject me.
Busy Pleasing Others
I remember when I was dating my husband and he said, “Fifty percent of the people are going to like you no matter what, and fifty percent will not. Just go where the love is.” That floored me. I couldn’t take the idea that a huge number of people might not like me. Did you see what I did? Instead of delighting that half would adore me and stand with me through ups and downs, my mind went to focusing on those who didn’t think I was good enough.
This fear-based drive to please others kept me extremely busy. I talk about this more in my book, Slow Down, Mama: Intentional Living in a Hurried World. I mean, living to serve others means constantly doing hundreds of little things not determined by you or your priorities. Whew! No wonder you are exhausted, right?
Maybe your experience isn’t as radical as mine was. I hope not. Either way, I want to assure you there is hope. We don’t have to stay stuck in codependent patterns of obliging others while rejecting our own value and needs. We can heal and grow and find freedom. So, let’s get to it!
photo courtesy of picography
The Roots of People Pleasing
First, let’s talk about the roots of people pleasing. I go into this more fully in my six minute YouTube video if you want to check it out. There can be many reasons we cultivate unhealthy relational habits. Let’s talk about three here.
- Growing up in a “keep the peace” family.
- We have a peace-loving personality that avoids conflict by nature.
- A fear rejection drives us to try to keep everyone happy.
At the heart of people pleasing is often a root of fear. If we came from a family where people didn’t manage their emotions with self-control, we may have taken on the role of peace keeper to help stabilize the home. We learned to people please as an adaptation to an unhealthy environment. If our personality lends to this, that makes us even more prone to trying to keep everyone calm and content. Ultimately, a root of fear can develop below the surface. We aren’t even aware of how driven we are to avoid the pain of rejection. Looking at these roots can be uncomfortable, but when we do, we open the door to growth and change.
photo courtesy of darla shevstova
How do we Change?
So, what can we do? If we fall into habits of people pleasing, they can feel as normal as breathing. Changing those ways of relating seems like holding our breath forever – not even possible. Plus, in order to grow, we are going to have to set some boundaries, express ourselves, and say, “no.” That will rock boats. People won’t all like our answers. We may face conflict.
Don’t worry. You can ease out of people pleasing bit-by-bit. You don’t have to jump into the deep end of the pool and become the person who posts controversial topics on social media and tells everyone “not today,” to every request. Take your time. Go slowly into this, but do commit to stepping out of what you’ve been doing into some new habits that will free you from the trap of people pleasing.
First of all, you have already taken a big step by acknowledging this is a concern for you.
God’s Love is the Antidote to People Pleasing
The most powerful thing you can do now is to switch your focus from being preoccupied about what others think of you to what God thinks and feels about you. God loves you as though you were His favorite. He cherishes everything about you. He laid down His life to bring you to Himself. Jesus is calling you now – to abide in the deep, unconditional love He has for you.
The more you practice believing in and receiving God’s love, the less your heart will long for and need the approval of others around you. Being rooted and grounded in God’s love is the antidote for people pleasing. When your heart is filled with God’s love, there’s just no room for condemnation or fear!
If you want to explore the difference between Christian service and codependent people pleasing, and to think through the discrepancy between peace making and peace keeping, check out the YouTube video.
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This has been a big lesson for me too. Thank you for sharing!
Brooke, Thanks for commenting here. I’m so glad it has been a blessing to you too. God doesn’t leave us stuck in the things that aren’t healthy for us. I’m so very grateful for that. He has done amazing work in my heart and life in this area. Even writing this post made me more aware as I thought back over where I had been stuck. Thank you for sharing your experience here.
Patty! I loved reading this post—and found it so helpful and packed with truth. I so appreciate that you encouraged us with the power we can find in our faith—”The most powerful thing you can do now is to switch your focus from being preoccupied about what others think of you to what God thinks and feels about you.” Thank you!
Thank you, Sonya. I so appreciate you affirming that statement. It has been a practice for me – when I notice my eyes and heart getting caught up in what others will think – to turn myself toward God and ask Him what He thinks. I am so grateful for the freedom that comes when we do that. Blessings to you!
I am definitely a “don’t rock the boat” type of person. I know it’s what fuels my people-pleasing. I love that you pointed out that God’s love is the antidote.
Thank you so much, Heather, for talking here about this. I am so grateful for your open sharing. I hope the post (and even the videos) are a blessing to you. God keeps helping me take greater risks to overcome a heart of fear. Still, each new step comes with a little trepidation, and then it builds strength. His perfect love casts out fear! Come back anytime.
This is a big struggle for me, but only with the people I love the most, and especially my wife. I’m 45 years old, and if she becomes unhappy about anything, I get a stomach ache. It’s ironic because I’m a leader in my field and the boss at work. I don’t tend to be timid, and I *am* the guy who doesn’t mind mixing it up with something controversial on social media. Have been in therapy for a few years and am learning slowly to be more authentic, but the visceral response is automatic. I wonder if that part will ever go away.
Stephen,
The physical reactions will go away in time, especially as you learn to listen to them as signals of deeper things. The old reaction patters (especially bodily ones) are often the last thing to leave us. Usually the fears under the feeling leave us more anxious than our conscious mind wants to admit. We fear loss, rejection, hurt, shame … and for some of us, those feelings become physical (heart palpitations, sweaty palms, or stomach pains). If you can stop to ask yourself what thoughts and feelings are going on when your stomach aches, you can help yourself think through what is true. You can ask yourself: What am I thinking when my wife isn’t happy? What am I feeling? (in the moment when she is unhappy and your stomach is calling out for your attention). Those answers will help you focus on your thoughts and feelings and will give you a place where you can change your self-talk.
Often, our patterns in our family of origin were such that we hatched the fears we face in adulthood there. Maybe we were shamed or rejected when we didn’t please our parents. If so, the echo of those old patterns in adult relationships triggers those old fears. Sometimes it has to do with other rejections or hurts we’ve endured in life. We prepare ourselves against the re-issuing of those pains, like a warrior girds himself for battle. Our physical responses are the body’s way of gearing up to fight or fly in the face of potential threat.
The more you engage your mind when the bodily reaction starts to rear its head, the more you can detach from that reaction and take charge of it.
If you and your wife have a connected relationship, you can enlist her help. Most wives will want to do this. Marital dynamics can be complicated, though. I’m guessing when you are in this state, she may be in her own cycle of something going on where she expects a lot from you and isn’t able to set aside her own needs to tend to yours until she feels more secure. Sometimes you two can work through this by way of conversations when you are both calm and feeling positive about your relationship (not in the middle of a tense situation, but at another time when things are solid and not threatening for either of you). If that’s not possible, therapy together (even only a few sessions) could be helpful. If she’s not willing, your own therapy will help you (as it seems to be doing). One partner changing their steps in the relational dance impacts the whole way the relationship moves.
I’m glad my post was helpful and affirming to you. Best wishes as you continue to heal and grow.
~ Patty
Dear paty maybe you can help me. Im supposed to be getting married next month we have been waiting for 2years but covid happened then either he got sick and or i was critical. Now im just so scared what to do we suppose to have a small wedding which was agreed but my mom wants to have something like a Thanksgiving after the wedding we’re my family will meet him and i with the wedding attire. His dad is old school and very strict my parents havnt advised them yet im scared his dad would cancel every thing and we suppose to live in his dads house. I want everyone to be happy but its been more stressful than anything. My pastor came home yesterday but brought with strangers for what i dont know and its quite upsetting the only thing that was supposed to be said was we would like her to share this day with us. But she brought about talking about other things and then a very heated argument had broken out. Even the last time when she came home problems happened and caused conflict. When we had came to a conclusion and decision she still went around in circles about the same thing we had to explain 3 times. The groom sister sides all the time with her. And the pastor says the we did not say or blows things out of proportion. And saying so many bad things about me. Im generally a very sensitive person i get easily hurt by things people say i just don’t know what to do. I dont want problems but they seem to keep coming.
I just saw this message. Kat, I feel this with you. I can’t give you specific answers, like “do this,” or “don’t do that.” What I can tell you is you will never find the solution that makes every single person happy. I’ve had to come to a place where I separate those expectations from what I want and need. I still consider others, but I have to look at my own CAPACITY and RESOURCES and then decide what is wise and possible. I have learned to apply the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” whenever I am confused or doubtful. I sort through what I can change and what I can’t. Keep in mind, your wedding is yours. In the end, five or ten years from now, what will YOU have wanted that to be. And, either way, you are marrying the man you love. This chaos and confusion and conflict will diminish. He and you are the focus. Do what honors your love for one another best. And a book that has helped me immensely is “The Best Yes” by Lysa TerKeurst. ~ Blessings ~ Patty